Blueberry blue

 I'm writing this while my blueberry buns are growing in the oven. Full of blueberries that will burst in my mouth, under a sweet and buttery, pillowy crumble. I know that when I will bite into them, they will leave a stain on the flower blouse that I have on. But I won’t change now. I think, this is a sort of destiny. I know it will happen, and I'm not willing to take steps to avoid a tragedy. But I guess, at the end of the day it is just another blouse that I will put into my laundry machine and hope that all the juice comes off... and if it won’t, I will move on and eat another one.

There is another thing I know will happen, maybe right after I have eaten the second bun, or maybe just a few hours after. I will ask myself, why did I do this, why did I bake it, and why did I have to eat two at once? 
I don’t even know what I will regret, or what I usually regret. The fact that I ate? The fact that I ate more than one portion? The fact that I have eaten something so sweet and buttery? Maybe it's all of it and maybe it’s none. 

I have known this feeling for some time now. Some sort of hate that had developed as I was trying to find a body like mine and listening to what I would have to sacrifice to have a body like somebody else. 
Whenever I go outside and look at myself in any possible mirror, I look around to try and find someone who looks like me. I never do. It seems as if there isn’t anyone whose body looks just like mine. 
But I won’t stop looking because I need to know. I need to understand what I look like and what my mirror isn’t telling me.
I remember the little food-loving girl who used to visit my friends' houses and their moms and grandmas and was invited to eat with them. To me, it was a joy. I would eat anything they would give me, leaving them with a pleased smile. I was so happy because food is love. I can feel it and I can taste it. 

Food is gratitude.

I don’t think know if and maybe when the questions and feelings of regret will quiet down completely because I don’t see a world where I will say no to a blueberry bun with a buttery crumble. I don’t see a world where I say no even though my mouth is watering.
Now I just need to wait for my little treats to cool down… or maybe I won’t. 

Enjoy.

Lots of love,
H.